Selfish or Unselfish....

In the headline hip-hop mogul Chris Lighty took his own life. I personally found it sad, he has children and I'm sure friends and family who care for him deeply. While perusing the other blogs and comment sections, I read where alot of people called it a selfish act. I sat for a while with that. Selfish? I see what people mean when they say that. Here U have a man who has children and I'm sure relatives who genuinely loved him. So I see why some think it would be selfish.. He had a son who I believe to be 6,7 and other older children. Who now will grow up without a father in their lives... Yet I also stopped for a moment and thought about what it takes to end it all... People say selfish. I feel his pain. I have been Chris, in that dark place and U just feel as if there is nothing left of Urself to give. Let's walk through a mind of someone who contemplated suicide. I mean bottle on the table and no note explaining why. These pass few years weren't kind too me.. I took a few hits and it seemed as if everytime I was knee on the ground ready to steady myself up. POW!! another blow that left me crumpled on the floor... It started getting dark inside... U feel like Ur spiraling and no one or nothing is there to even help U brace Urself... U fall again and again... That hurt is real and the pain is unfathomable.. What makes it worse is U feel alone isolated from everything. That no matter what Ur not enough.. U feel like the dented can on the shelf that everyone bypasses. I remember years ago I'd call my mom and she always had a way of relieving some of the pressure.. There's nothing like a parents love.. It pushes U at time when U feel I don't have anything left.. Those days for me are gone and have been so for quite sometime now... My family and I no longer speak and it's not my doing. My life doesn't sit well with their religion. When it came down too it, they chose religion over me... That burns people.. That hurt never leaves, no matter how much U pray to God for peace. Ur reminded often that U don't have a family.. U feel unloved.. And no one should feel that, ever... Holidays are the worst! I love thanksgiving and Christmas, yet it's also a constant reminder that, that part of my life for now is gone.. I miss hugging my mom. I miss her hugging me back... That cloud hangs with me everyday. Just some days I'm so busy I don't notice. Sometimes I look forward to those days. The days where the pain isn't as deep... Sometimes I plan those super productive days so as to not feel it. So what took me away from it.. Prayer, therapy and just a sense that I still have something to accomplish here.. That my life means more than the pain of the moment I know everyone thinks oh if U leave it's selfish. I think it's selfish to not try and understand what someone must be going through to go there.. It's easy when it's not U to say, just go outside for a walk or talk to Ur friends. That's just it, when it's that dark often " it gets better" just isnt enough... Granted their hearts are in the right place but the words are also ineffective. I ache for Chris and millions out there like me. I hope they too find the help and love they need to keep fighting. And it's a fight, everyday. I still fight months later I'm still fighting to be here... I long for the day when I don't fight that demon, that I can abolish it forever! In the mean time the next time U hear Of someone taking their life don't think selfish. Let Ur heart and prayers go to them because if U never been in a place so dark... Ur speaking from a place that Ur unfamiliar with.. RIP Chris and the many ppl who see this as the only solution.. I hope Ur mind is at some sort of peace...