Secrets....

isnt it funny how we protect those that hurt us or those who we shouldnt protect... I ponder that often.. I often protect people that I know because I dont want others judging them or saying anything offensive So I tend to cover up or pretend that things may not have happened .. openly .. to protect them Ooo living with shame.. Ooo protecting secrets... Locking them away So as not to deal with the ish everyday The true strength is realizing the pain will never dissapate Until you utter the words U need to say So today is the day I free myself of my shame of my secret that I hold onto everyday I dont have a family and that pain cuts me deep I have been able to place the molestation and how it still effects me.... I deserve to be loved with just as much as I give ... I free myself today hoping to start receiving what I give... Sharing secrets are hard and the memory never leaves... But not hiding it makes it easier to breathe... So today I exhale... And find a little inner peace!

A lil pick me UP ...

its been a while since I have done a entry. Lets see my birthday has come and gone and that was uneventful. Nothing much really happened.. I went and got a haircut and I did have a date. The day lacked something not sure what that is as of yet. Sigh.. Later on that week I did get a gift, after someone stole my iPhone.. Bastard... may he burn in the 5th level of hell.. but anyway, I downloaded the new iOs6 and was able to retrieve my old information. That was a huge gift, because there were numbers I no longer had and some other private information that was stored on the phone... Long story short I reached out to a few people that I know ( I dont like to use the word friend anymore, its kinda like a dirty word. People dont really know the true definition of that word.. Ive also realized people arent genuinely interested in friendship, they are looking for ways to better themselves by using you.) Anyway, I found out that I am not the only person going through things. At times we as people feel as if we are the only ones down and out and being dragged. Pause. God sends things into your life at the right time. I found out that a few friends were unemployed still or recently let go from their companies. I stopped and for a second and sat with that... I have only me to contend with, and though there were some dark moments this year. You know deciding if going to work for the week or eating was important. Yea the economy is placing people in that direction. Eating is now a luxury and its tougher as a citizen in this country to get any type of help, especially if you are a man. Isnt it crazy we are all taught "go to college, get an education. it will open so many doors for you." either that or it seems to close doors or in an economy like this belittle who you are and what you bring to the table as a worker. I mean if you have a degree you are competing with people who have the same if not more education than you. This places the employer with the upper hand.They can definitely lower their price because what you may not be willing to work for, someone else is willing to do that and more for less. I am not sure I blame politicians or its just a natural occurence of how history seems to play itself out. I listen to older people say "this is natural, you have to ride the wave but eventually it has to come down." So we are on the down of it, yet this time there are far more educated on the back end of it and the end doesnt seem to be coming quick enough. I am thankful for one thing. I have only myself to be concerned with. A lot of people have children to worry about. Its tough because these are two family homes, dual income homes in this economy is still tough to contend with. Once one of those incomes dsiappears it makes it even more tough. Theres nothing you can say. I mean the depression you go in and out of must be numbing most times. When you have little ones you have to be strong for them, for your spouse.. yet inside you are breaking down. To be honest the worse thing I hear on my own end is " just hang in there" or "it gets better" ... What people fail to realize is, I know that. That everyday is different. Some days you are so pumped, amped even to get out there meet people, network and pass out your resume. Than there are the lows where you look in the mirror and feel less than. Those are the days that you have to dig deep because you feel lost, hopeless and those just hang in there, doesnt make it better at all. At all.. So to those who are in my shoes or wearing even bigger ones... I feel you, I am with you.. And I wont give you the cliche speeches cause they are POINTLESS.. I will say this, find a piece of music you love. Meditate, it may not feel like much but it works. Go for a walk, shit have a drink! Not the whole bottle, hell just half.. But learn to do soemthing that makes you happy because you need the balance to find the peace..

Ish is real in these streets....

U know I wanted a blog because it was my place to spread love, joy and hopefully positivity. I wanted to write as an outlet, to free myself and provide a different idea in the world. It saddens me that my nieces and nephews are entering into a world of total chaos stemming from our government where the Republicans are hella bent on living solely for themselves and fucking everyone who isn't on their level financially. To youth who take everything so literal that they feel the need to shoot and kill each other for pure foolishness... It hurts me. It makes me pause and seriously consider whether or not I can or should bring a child into this. I'm living in it and there are moments I'd like to take that 6 month trip to Mars with a " I ain't never coming back to this bs" mentality. I can't I have to stay to stand, volunteer and if I can help one. Just one, than Ive done just a little bit to make it better... In Chicago this summer there were 152 killings between June and August. That's disgusting and alarming. Is this my world? My country? Sadly my people? And by people I mean the entire human race. Is this what we have come too, evolved from. If this was Neanderthal periods I understand. Yet we are able to travel to other planets, communicate with people halfway around the world in the matter of minutes, order whatever we want offline and have it delivered to our doorsteps. Yet the alarming rate of senseless killings are growing. One would think that with all killings in Colorado and around the country we would as a people stop! Stop! Are we not better than this... Who is to blame? I live in Brooklyn and trust me this summer was not any better with the amount of deaths here either. And if it were adults alone you could almost chalk it up too crazy adults or as blk people love to say " see that's some shit only white people would do" the only difference between white people and other ethnicities in this country are we kill the same amount of our own people but on a individual basis. In fact we kill each other more. In my city that I LOVE, 16 people were killed in five days. That's almost four people a day. WTF is going on? I mean is someone " disrespecting" you on twitter or Facebook really worth 1. Taking someones life 2. Going to jail for the rest of Ur own. All cause they didn't like Ur song or Ur sneakers? I mean really! Parents I challenge you to hug and tell your children everyday and say " I LOVE U" cause somewhere as a people LOVE and basic decency has been lost. What's worse is I'm not sure what generation dropped the ball. Yet, we need to be the generation to STOP it. I think it's was to blame hip hop or movies and any other excuse we can conjure up to pacify what's going on. It really starts in two places. 1. In the home, parents kids are your responsibility to show them that this isn't the way to go. There is a blatant disconnect with parents maybe wanting to be more of a friend and less of a disciplinarian. Set rules, boundaries and ENFORCE them when they are broken. 2. People have to want it on the inside too. You can have the best parents and greatest upbringing and still turn out a mess. So at somepoint we must hold the mirror up and ask " what do I want for myself? What do I deserve? And if you look around and your surroundings are not what you'd like them to be handwork an determination can change all that... Its like we all want riches and fame from nothing! We have this sense of entitlement ... Like with respect, that respect is your birthright. In the same breath we don't want to respect someone else! Puzzled.. That makes no sense... The killings have to stop! We have to stop glorifying stupidity and the fast track to fortune and fame. We are chasing the wrong dreams! I remember growing up just wanting to be successful and productive in my community. To be a father and raise my kids with that same goal. Now we all want to reality stars, gangbangers ( btw all that gangbang is going to get U "banged" alright in prison) Guns and knives don't make you tough or strong.. Strength is walking away from stupidity! Strong is saying I want more for myself and then persuing it. That's strength, that's what makes you tough. Tough is growing up on the wrong side of the tracks and making it out. That is tough... It rips me to hear a 16 year old say " I hope I make it to 24." that should never be a sentence uttered from the mouth of someone who has their whole life in front of them.. Yet many of our youths in our country feel this way. We all have to step up and make a difference.. Like my mom has always told me bullets don't have names on them. At this point none of us are safe. That is scary and real...

Selfish or Unselfish....

In the headline hip-hop mogul Chris Lighty took his own life. I personally found it sad, he has children and I'm sure friends and family who care for him deeply. While perusing the other blogs and comment sections, I read where alot of people called it a selfish act. I sat for a while with that. Selfish? I see what people mean when they say that. Here U have a man who has children and I'm sure relatives who genuinely loved him. So I see why some think it would be selfish.. He had a son who I believe to be 6,7 and other older children. Who now will grow up without a father in their lives... Yet I also stopped for a moment and thought about what it takes to end it all... People say selfish. I feel his pain. I have been Chris, in that dark place and U just feel as if there is nothing left of Urself to give. Let's walk through a mind of someone who contemplated suicide. I mean bottle on the table and no note explaining why. These pass few years weren't kind too me.. I took a few hits and it seemed as if everytime I was knee on the ground ready to steady myself up. POW!! another blow that left me crumpled on the floor... It started getting dark inside... U feel like Ur spiraling and no one or nothing is there to even help U brace Urself... U fall again and again... That hurt is real and the pain is unfathomable.. What makes it worse is U feel alone isolated from everything. That no matter what Ur not enough.. U feel like the dented can on the shelf that everyone bypasses. I remember years ago I'd call my mom and she always had a way of relieving some of the pressure.. There's nothing like a parents love.. It pushes U at time when U feel I don't have anything left.. Those days for me are gone and have been so for quite sometime now... My family and I no longer speak and it's not my doing. My life doesn't sit well with their religion. When it came down too it, they chose religion over me... That burns people.. That hurt never leaves, no matter how much U pray to God for peace. Ur reminded often that U don't have a family.. U feel unloved.. And no one should feel that, ever... Holidays are the worst! I love thanksgiving and Christmas, yet it's also a constant reminder that, that part of my life for now is gone.. I miss hugging my mom. I miss her hugging me back... That cloud hangs with me everyday. Just some days I'm so busy I don't notice. Sometimes I look forward to those days. The days where the pain isn't as deep... Sometimes I plan those super productive days so as to not feel it. So what took me away from it.. Prayer, therapy and just a sense that I still have something to accomplish here.. That my life means more than the pain of the moment I know everyone thinks oh if U leave it's selfish. I think it's selfish to not try and understand what someone must be going through to go there.. It's easy when it's not U to say, just go outside for a walk or talk to Ur friends. That's just it, when it's that dark often " it gets better" just isnt enough... Granted their hearts are in the right place but the words are also ineffective. I ache for Chris and millions out there like me. I hope they too find the help and love they need to keep fighting. And it's a fight, everyday. I still fight months later I'm still fighting to be here... I long for the day when I don't fight that demon, that I can abolish it forever! In the mean time the next time U hear Of someone taking their life don't think selfish. Let Ur heart and prayers go to them because if U never been in a place so dark... Ur speaking from a place that Ur unfamiliar with.. RIP Chris and the many ppl who see this as the only solution.. I hope Ur mind is at some sort of peace...

Story telling

Today started out like many other days. I awoke washed my face, brushed my teeth And proceeded to head downstairs towards the kitchen. The weather outside was typical for July.. It was warm in the morning and blazing for the rest of the day. Work was definitely not on the agenda that day. This day is for me, to just be... I enjoy having Jay Days, it's a day where I spend just a lil bit more time on myself and my own personal needs. I always start my day off the same way. Call my mom just to check in an see how's the fam. I somehow knew that today, something was off. The phone rung exceptionally long, my min usually picks up after the second ring. It has been the tradition in our house always. So by ring four I was perplexed. She usually gets up ridiculously early and I have inherited the same gene. Finally she answers, "Morning Ma." I announce beaming away. Today was one of those happy just cause I'm alive days. " hey Jay we need to talk." she murmured I immediately knew something was off. My brain thought who died? Or is dying? Little did I know that as our conversation played out. There was a death that day and one I wasn't prepared for.....

Options....

This is my first entry... I am not so sure what to write, there are a few things filling my space that I'd like to get off my chest. So I hail from Brooklyn and I'm your usual driven Blk male who is trying his damndest to leave his footprint in the sands of time ( I know a cheap plug for a poem and a Beyonce song... Smdh) but that's me in a nutshell... Btw be on the look out for my denim line Blu Jay Jeans (yay) Approaching the soap box... Why does everything revert back too masculinity vs femininity. It's not a question but a statement. As a blk male growing up in the suburbs an attending predominantly white schools. I was always having to exert my masculinity even more. Why? It was expected because I was a black male. As my parents drilled in my head " you have to work harder, they expect less from you." I took those words and eternalized them. So I always tried extra hard and studied more ( it didn't help that my sister was a born genius) to prove that I was worth it, I deserved to be in these classes, to excel in sports. It's funny I look back now and I probably didn't need to work as hard, but hindsight is 20/20... I also reflect on alot of things I wanted to do but couldn't because it wasn't masculine enough. I have always enjoyed baking ( it was something my grandmother and I bonded over)It definitely wasn't something my parents or older male cousins thought as what " boys" should do. Did I mention I'm left-handed so I have always been in touch with my creative side. I receive immense pleasure when I create something whether it's food, clothes or art. During the 80's and 90's little boys, especially little black boys were not to be into those things. I loved jumping rope, not doubledutch.. Hahaha but I did like when it was whipping really fast and I had to keep up! loved those moments, the challenge of winning. Now that's a guy thing, making things competitive or challenging ( for no real reason but to push ourselves. Now what usually happens if you are a young black male and can be seen jumping rope, playing with a doll or any of those childhood activities that were only for "girls". You are labeled as Gay or homo even worst a fag. I pause while re-reading that last line. How many generations are we going to stifle because of our ignorance? You know we as blk people often complain we don't have enough representation in many areas. Yet I'm perplexed because we have not as a people ( not all blk ppl will this apply too, but it will save on the nasty emails! Hahaha) stop standing in OUR own way! How many designer? Chefs? Or even astronauts may have been shelved because of our silly hangup I don't have any children an I'm well into my twenties. Nor do I desire any at this present moment. I know for sure that I will encourage my son to jump rope, skip rocks, build tree forts and bake until his arms fall off! I will not stand in the way of his greatness... To be a parent is a gift, the gift you give your children is the chance to explore all their hearts desire. We produce athletes and rappers because it's masculine, it's what little boys are supposed to do. If my kid wants to play Polo or Rugby as a parent I'd be there supporting him ( lost, even after reading up on it) as the best hair stylist... I want my child to have every opportunity available, yup even the "girl ones"